I grew up believing in the Bible. I believed the Gospel was true. I knew many “Bible stories” by heart. I sang worship songs. I grew up in the church. I was told that at four years old I made a profession of faith. But as I grew up, I believe that the Lord revealed that I was actually self-deceived.

When I was 17, at the brink of adulthood, I really wanted to live by what I thought was best—by my sinful nature I always had, but it really came to a head at 17. I thought my parents were overbearing in certain things (like social media, texting boys, chores) and that I had the right to make my own decisions since I was almost 18.

This pride led to me to: dishonoring my parents, becoming manipulative and very selfish, lying, laziness, lusting, and more. Ultimately, deceiving myself that following my heart—doing what I wanted—would satisfy me.

I was so wrong.

Eventually, the Lord mercifully exposed my sin and showed me the destructive cause and effect of living for myself, and it was so eye-opening. For the first time in my life, I actually caught a glimpse of the depravity and wretchedness of my sin, and realized how desperately I needed Jesus. God, in His mercy, humbled me from the life of worldly remorse I had been living. It brought me to my knees before Him in faith and surrender.

After that, things began to change in me at a heart level. When I sinned, I had godly grief that I had sinned against God and my parents (unlike before). The Spirit patiently and steadily developed conviction and sensitivity to sin. It was a joy to learn how even though obeying was hard in the moment, it brought satisfaction and peace.

As I reflect on my testimony, I am so grateful to God for showing me my brokenness and need for Christ.

As later I would learn with Reformed theology and the doctrine of grace, I became overwhelmed by the reality that God truly saved my from myself—from my self-destructing, sin-loving heart that would have justly resulted in my condemnation in hell.

I was your average Christian kid, homeschooled, led devotions at chapel… yet all the time, I believe I was spiritually dead inside.

I am so grateful for the Lord’s mercy, forgiveness, and love for me. Praise God for His gracious salvation of undeserving sinners like me, and that He isn’t done with me yet, but will bring His work to completion (Philippians 1:6). 🙌🏻✝️